Individuality

no more no more!!!! >.<

2007-05-17T22:48:00.000-07:00

I think I'm over people who do not make the effort to be apart of my life. Sometimes I think I really trust in people way too much. And what it ultimately brings me is heartache and frustration. I've given you three chances and still you blew me off and didn't even seem to care about how your actions would affect me. Fine, it's okay. I guess I just to have to say I'm sorry, I'm not yours keep anymore. I've moved on and I seriously thought that we had so much potential -- now we'll never know. why do people always seem to disappoint me like that? I guess shame on me for believing and for trusting. I was wrong and I already didn't like to admit it the first time around -- well this time with both hands up, I admit it. In situations like these, the inner me (my gut feeling) is saying "I told you so" !!

I hate these ultimatum feelings I have. Now whatever you do or say -- you'll never win me back or have me the way you did. Sorry but you hurt me way too much and I don't think I can go through it again and I don't think I deserve that much pain a second time.

I had so much to give you.
I could have loved you so much.
I understood you and you didn't realize that.
You might not know it now, but you'll miss me.
My pride is in the way now, I won't ever admit I need you anymore.
Leaving now.

First week of work!

2007-05-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

First week of work has been great! I know I've said it to many people and I must say it again, thanks for standing by my side and cheering me on. I probably wouldn't be heres if it weren't for some of you guys!

The break down of my first work week --
My two bosses did not hesitate to put me straight to work! Hehe. I've been doing ALOT of research. Thankfully college prepared me quite well for that. I'm currently invovled in two projects that the administrative department is working on. I feel very well-incorporate into the department and I'm glad they're really patient with me. The two projects are pretty interesting. I' ve learned alot in these past few days. I'm loving it but it also has been at parts, a bit overwhelming! But I can't complain...!!

I'm exhausted! Now I know why people who work always look soooo pale and unhappy! The lack of sleep sucks and not to mention the long hours. I'll probably bum around for another 1/2 hour to an hour then head off to bed! Hope everyone's week is coming along great!

Finally

2007-05-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

I do agree that everything happens for a reason. It's almost been a year since I left school and only now are things clearer. I admit - and I haven't admitted this to anyone is that I was lost for a year. I know many people didn't know that about me and probably thought I knew what I wanted and that I was on my way. But that just isn't 100% true. I think I really did need the time off to be lost and clueless cause without that, there'd be no struggle on my behalf to figure out just what I needed to do next. I was just thinking last night that things are starting to all piece together and I can't be happier. It's about time!!!!

Wish me luck... cause I'll need it today! :)

2007-05-03T02:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in quite awhile. I guess I just wasn't in the mood to blog about my sadness and I think many of my readers are sick of me being depressed. So definitely on a lighter note, I'm doing MUCH better. I think I'm just sick of it, I'm tired of it. I don't want to be the sad, always waiting type of girl anymore. I don't deserve any of that treatment.

Last weekend was pretty darn fun. First I headed to Tigerheat for Eddie's 21st Bday. It was pretty crazy, dance my heart out and it sure felt good. I haven't had that natural high in quite a LONG time and I sure needed it. Friday night I hit up a bar with some local friends called Avalon, sooo chill and I love it. Saturday was SD, we went to downtown SD and partied. Awesome awesome fun.

I know this weekend will probably be another hectic one, but I love it! :)It's definitely time to start being happy because I don't deserve any less.

2007-04-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

It hasn't poured like this in quite awhile. I stayed in bed for an extra hour just so I could lie there and listen to the rain. I love th rain and that softness it brings to the world. It's such a remedy to my soul. Why can't it rain more? I don't get it.. hehe:)

living without it...

2007-04-18T09:13:00.000-07:00

I don't think I pay much attention to myself or what it is I'm feeling ... in a way I do, but not in the proper way because I don't "take care" of my own feelings. I always ALWAYS let it get the best of me. I think I just need to take some time away from what is bothering me. This past weekend was more liberating than I had thought. I actually did something completely different and I used the time I had to myself to just attend to my needs and surround myself with people and situations that I know would do me some good. I haven't been this displaced for quite awhile. It's hard to keep this up because I'm always thinking about what I shouldn't and it always bothers me to a certain extent. I need to breathe in and breathe out and just let it go .... leave it be. If it's not good for me, I need to learn to live without it. I need to not give it ANY importance.

I need to do this.... starting now!

It's hard to present myself the way I want to be present if you don't give me the chance. I really hope that I can come out strong and am set apart from many people. I think many people in this world just wants one chance to prove themselves. It might take many years or sometimes the opportunity might creep up on us and we might get just that one chance to prove what we are made of. I don't want to radiant off this vibe as weak or confused because I am not that, but I much more. I just need a chance to let others know who am I -- Truly... I hate it when people take away that chance from me. It makes me very angry. Grrr

I'm actually really sad right now and abit heartbroken.

I don't want you if you don't want me...=(

a new way

2007-04-14T16:56:00.000-07:00

If it takes away the pain, then it's totally worth the sacrifice. That's how I feel right now. It's like alot of things in my life are all jumbled up. My academics, my social life, parts of my family life, and just all the other stuff in between. Many people might say it's because I have all this time on my hands to think about things but honestly, it's because I have all this time on my hands that I see my problems for what they truly are.

I need a change of scenery ....

remind me.. please!

2007-04-09T23:52:00.000-07:00

In a way, I know that absence makes the heart grow fonder...BUT I have great difficulty in doing so. I don't know why I have the tendency to not let things breathe, to let things grow. The space between two people is just as important as cultivating familiarity and intimacy. I always have to remind myself of this -- and sometimes I fail so those beside me are always telling me this. I hope things will get easier soon !!! In a way, I guess this is something I REALLY REALLY need to learn. So I have to sacrifice and feel the pain of this process.

My Frame of mind....

2007-04-04T14:49:00.000-07:00

I know that recently I've been soo naive. I resort myself to thinking a certain way. And because I want it to be this ONE way, when it doesn't happen, my life is turned. I was again reminded that things aren't that big of a deal and even if they are at the worst they have ever been --- it's still only our frame of mind that'll remedy things. I am frustrated and things are not making sense. And I'm not an optimist at this moment but I'm trying REALLY hard to remedy the things that are bothering me. It'll definitely take awhile and I might have to make certain decisions that I do not want too, but maybe... if I'll be sane again...maybe.

I know it's stupid and foolish to go do something that I know will have a 50-50 potential of hurting me, BUT I still want to do it anyways. Against all better judgment, I think I've made up my mind. Hopefully -- it'll swing the other way and do me some good and not hurt me.

my beliefs

2007-03-19T02:14:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure why it is that we're always settling for the next best thing. I think in life we deserve the best of what life has to offer; whether they are opportunities, people, experiences, etc. I know there's always that residing fear that we'll never get another chance or that this is as good as it gets.

But...that just might not be the case....

I do believe that the bravest thing anyone can do (or I can do) -- is to admit to myself that I will not settle for anything second best and I have to just keep walking forward. I have to believe that there is something out there made just for me (job/purpose) and that there is that one perfect person for me.

I know I am an idealist, not much of a realist. Many people think that's really foolish of me but I say, there's no harm in being an idealist. I want to believe in the best of all things and that people do get what they deserve (whether good or bad).

sorry

2007-03-16T00:15:00.000-07:00

All I really want to do right now is apologize to you.

I know I am over zealous and I do come off as strong. I'm really sorry. I know how I can be by nature and I really don't want to be like that. I want to be chill and act as how everyone would act. So I truly apologize for being like I was. I promise to back off, I promise to not be like anymore. I just want to know that we'll be okay -- are we?

2007-03-15T01:19:00.000-07:00

Those darn lingering thoughts... I think one of my weaknesses is that I tend to linger on the past alot, specifically the people in my past. I have a hard time moving on so to speak .., it's been one of the major things I've been trying to change since college. I think I've come a longgg way, but I still am constantly working on it. Today, while studying, a feeling of missing a certain someone overwhelmed me. I realized that no matter how much I miss this person, our paths will never cross (I won't ever see this person again nor will any conversation take place). In a way, the bridge was burned. It wasn't intentional (like some relationships), but this one I know will never be again. It made me extremely sad and what's worse is that I miss this person SO SO SO much... Usually I try really hard not to burn any bridges in my life. No matter how bad things was I still figure that this person was once important to me (some may have been the love of my life at a certain period of my life) and it's not nice of me to lose sight of that. So even if there is some kind of misunderstanding or break-up, I tend to not let that be the center of it all. In any relationship, there's always much more than that...! But today, the one relationship I failed to maintain in any way came crawling back to me. I was soooo bummed and all I really wanted to do at that point was to pick my car keys and drive to this person.

2007-03-12T00:38:00.000-07:00

So instead of this weekend working out like what I wanted too, it didn't. But that's okay because what I realized this weekend was far more worthy than anything. I realized that I really really need to learn to be me. I know it sounds complicated... but if you knew me and what has been going on in my life, I think you would really understand. My friend reminded me of this and I think in a way, I'm trying toooooo hard to make things happen. I don't know why I am so eager --- and I don't why I thought I'd be different this time around? In a way I think I just need to let things happen. I think everything will fall into place when I am good and ready. I guess I just didn't fully understand that concept till now. But that's okay, better late than never I guess.

So this weekend, instead of going out to party like I usually do (and I shouldn't cause it's taking a big toll on my body) -- I went to the theaters and caught up on two movies that I really wanted to watch. First one was "Zodiac" and the second was "300". Both movies were REALLY good. The plot was intriguing for "Zodiac" and for "300" -- well that movie was just intense. I love everything about it. I guess the trouble I went through to watch that movie was definitely worth my while. :D Everyone should definitely check it out when they can!

So I'm going home again in one week... Feels like I just went home? Haha, all good though cause I could use some TLC from some familiar faces. At times being out on my own can seem so tiring, strange, unfamiliar, and just plain scary. So it's good that I'm going home.

Risks?

2007-03-10T03:49:00.000-08:00

I guess sometimes there really is no better way to believe in something or someone other than to take a risk and just wish for the best? There will obviously be that unnerving feeling and that overwhelming fear of the worst outcome ever. But what if the worst doesn't happen? Wouldn't it be that I would have everything in the world to gain?

I am truly in need of some "faith" --- I really need some clarity and serenity in my life.

Big Girls Don't Cry...They fight for what they believe in.

2007-03-07T17:43:00.000-08:00

My horoscope scared me today!! It was so on the dot, I almost fell out of my chair. It said:
Quickie:
It's okay if you feel moody and slow, but don't let procrastination become a habit.

Overview:
You need reinforcements, so call your nearest and dearest. Once they hear what you need and when you need it, they'll more than meet your expectations. So what are you waiting for?

Do you ever get surprised by the people in your life? Like they say things or do things that you never would have thought? In a way, you almost predicted they would have said or acted in the opposite way than what had really happened? Well my best of friends, someone who has watched me grow -- surprised me today. I didn't know that it would be like that. I almost guaranteed that it would be something that would never ever happen. I was sure that it would a part of my life that would never appear in a conversation between the two of us. With her circumstances, with our history, and just everything different between the two of us, I just never gave her the benefit of the doubt that she would be so understanding. Although I still haven't come "clean" so to speak, her words touched me, moved me, and brought tears to my eyes.

I never EVER considered myself to be tremedously lucky fortunate. But today, the feeling of being lucky and fortunate came to mind. I was feel a bit transparent these past couple of days, but her words made me feel so visible and so cared for. I am left speechless by her words and her actions. I just hope tomorrow goes well ....

what a crazyy weekend!

2007-03-06T18:20:00.000-08:00

So this past weekend was pretty interesting, not to mention crazyyy! I think I play too hard. Haha, oh wells. I guess I'm only young once. So Friday night, I went to the Fashion show for FIDM. I have to say that was by far veryy cool. I think that was my first and official fashion show. I saw lots of good looking people ;) I love looking at good looking people. Hehe. Then after that, we hit up Hurry Curry, God, I still love that place. So damn yummy! And Lawrence was sooo kind to treat us to Beard Papa's!!! YUM! Gosh, for those who haven't had it before, you're totally missing out!!! :) And of course after eating that much, we had to go burn off the calories. So of course, we hit up Vanguard. I totally danced the night away...:)

Then on Saturday, we all slept in till noon-ish then we made reservations at this REALLY nice and expensive resturant at the Kodak Center. The food was great and the drinks were great as well. I love the company as well. I made a new friend called Monica. It was pretty cool, cause that night, it was like a buddy system or something. Anyways, one of the reasons why we headed to the Kodak Center was because we made plans to hit up Club Highland. Now, let me tell you, that club was off the hook. I love it alot cause the music is toooo awesome. It's a really big club too. I think by far the biggest club I've been too. And with Monica being my new buddy of the night, we drank and danced alot. What made my night was when Kelly Clarkson came one, everyone went crazy. LOL...everyone is a Kelly Clarkson closet fan. Hehe. Anyways, we all didn't leave the club till 3am. I was sooooo tired on Sunday...but it was definitely a night that made it to my list. ;)

Disappointed

2007-03-01T01:59:00.000-08:00

It's so hard to tell the genuiness of people these days. If I'm nice to someone -- is that intial reaction their true reaction? I'm just a little bit disappointed in huamnity. I don't really know what it takes to have someone to be nice in return. I don't understand why people sometimes mistake "nice-ness" as having a motive? Why can't nice-ness just be plain nice-ness?

I just find life a bit easier to come by when I'm nice. I don't want to be a b*tch because I then find life soooooo disappointing and sad. Recently I've just been finding it hard to be "nice" -- it's almost as if there's no point anymore. I'm so disappointed.

Getting things done!!!

2007-02-27T18:28:00.000-08:00

I don't know why it is so hard to show any true emotion. It's like we're sooo jaded to a point that we think emotion = weakness. I think I'm slowly becoming like that too. So when I have friends who are not afriad to speak their minds, I'm always appreciating. I love to sit down over coffee/milk tea to talk. I'm that type of gal. I just find it sad that not many people want to do that nowadays. Now don't get me wrong, I love going to clubs to dance off my worries -- but at the same time whenever I'm there, I feel something is lacking. I guess that's why any relationships I've had based on meeting the person in a club never lasts.

I think this week has been pretty blah --- I really need to get cracking on getting things done. But I am sooooo lazyyyyy... I have to get my personal statement read by one more person and I also need to call UCR and get the whole letter of rec thing all sorted out. not to mention, I need to find part time work. I'm frantically browsing craigslist for any nonprofit work. So if anyone knows of anything, please let me know!!!

one of those days...

2007-02-21T15:28:00.000-08:00

So oddly enough, we had a blackout last night. What scared me the most was that norcal had a blackout too!! My mom called me all scared asking me if terrorist had attacked. It wasn't the thought of terrorist that had scared me but rather the fact that my mom was scared, scared me. I'm glad it was nothing...

I think I'm an emotional person. I think most ppl know me as that. It's not that I like it when I'm emotional, actally I hate it. But it is who I am even when I don't want to be. I hate how my emotions get in my way of my day to day. I have a lot of stuff to get done, yet I'm always boggled down things random nonesense. Sometimes I just want to shut myself down. I want to just cover myself up so that the whole world won't see me, moreorless have an affect on me.

It's one of those days....

I'm in such a good mood today...

2007-02-16T00:54:00.000-08:00

Things have been pretty chill since the test. It wasn't as bad I thought it would be. I guess now I know what to expect and can readily prepare myself for it. I've been taking it easy -- considering I'm a little under the weather too. I've been hanging out with some new people recently, it's awesome to make new friends. It's definitely one of the best things in life ...

So it's norcal tomorrow! I'm super excited cause I definitely can use some norcal love. I love socal alot but norcal is still home. I will definitely be taking alot of pictures this weekend, so I'll definitely post stuff when I get back Tuesday.

I'm really in a happy mood today and nothing, I SAY nothing can tear that down. =D

At Starbucks.

2007-02-13T14:14:00.000-08:00

I tell myself not to stress because it's not the end of the world. Although things might be stressful but it's not the end of the world. There's always a resolution to any problem. I have to breathe in and then breathe out, constantly reminding me of this. I think I've just been so inclined to stress that now I feel it (and in great intensity), it's hard for me to deal with it. But it will be okay, I know so. All I need to do is believe.

The weekend was pretty crazy. I think Saturday night one of the most wildest nights of my life. That bite on the lip can explain it all. Hehe *wink wink* Anyways...

Yesterday was quite depressing though. I've been trying to get my hands on letters of recs and I swear, this process causes me more ulcers than anything. But I realized that this process of talking to professors and trying to coordinate something with them will eventually be a big part of my life once I'm in grad school. This is only a mini show of what is to come. I really need to suck it up and get use to it. Other than that, the day in Riverside was pretty awesome. I got to see some old faces, chill with them, and just walk around the campus (and yes, I do miss Riverside!) Best Thai was also awesome, I love that place so much.... yumm =D

Well back to my books, will keep you all updated later!!

Peace out.

physical is easier than the emotional

2007-02-08T16:31:00.000-08:00

The physical is definitely easier than the emotional. Recently I've been having that feeling -" omg, I'm 23 years old" kind of feeling. It's not that I'm feeling I'm really old or anything. But rather, I feel like I haven't been able to test myself to the limit. I'm at this age and I still have SO many question about myself. I guess what question that I'm refering to in specific is my ability to commit to. nother human being. I "thought" that I was ready, I even told a friend that I'm ready. But last night it hit me, phyically I may be ready BUT honestly can I commit? Can I be in a relationship that will probably require most of my time and emotion? Can I do all that and not give up the moment it gets tough? I often think about that ... I think emotionally I will have a struggle and it definitely will take a toll on me. I know alot of people say, you'll never know what you are capable of until you meet the right person. Maybe... just maybe... I guess there's just no way to be sure.

Things are easier these days...

2007-02-06T03:17:00.000-08:00

This weekend was another awesome weekend. I was not sure it was going to be like that, but I'm glad it was. Met up with an old friend from elementary. It really reminded me of a lot of things, from the past and how far I've become. It's never easy to look at the past and realize how weak I was or to realize what I had lacked and finally being able to admit it. In a way makes me feel so vulnerable yet strong to have come this far.

Geisha House was awesome ... I seriously HEART and LOVE LA. I'm really really loving my life right now. Although it has been the most agonizing three months of my life, I couldn't be happier.

Another thing I thought about this weekend was how intimidation plays a role when two people meet for the first time. Sometimes it may be hard to approach someone because of the way they act or the way they speak. But what never dawns on me is that I may seem like that to the other person as well. So if we're both scared, the likelihood of speaking to each other will probably never happen. It'll be another great opportunity being passed up. I want to say to you (you know who you are) -- meeting you was by far the hardest thing I had ever done. I didn't realize the amount of effort I had to muck up to approach you. But I'm glad I did and I'm sorry if I didn't make it easy for you to approach me either. I'm really not as unfriendly as I may seem. I'm just shy. I really hope you can understand that I'm fragile and what I want more than anything is to have you with me. Anyways, with that said ... =)

So everything is underway. I'm glad I found the motivation once again and the energy. I don't why, but these are definitely easier these days.

I've worked so hard all week and I then I met you...

2007-01-29T23:24:00.000-08:00

I really do have GREAT friends. This weekend was just what I needed. Although I didn't verbally tell them that it was their company that remedy this soul of mine; it's true. They did remedy this soul of mine.

This weekend was definitely another good one. My weekends are never dull =D Friday night was Connie's bday celebration at Vanguard. That club seriously is always interesting. We always have stories to tell. Then on Saturday was Pink Berry and Hollywood. I love Pink Berry. That place is super yummy...Definitely one of the highlights of Hollywood =D

Saturday night was by far one of the best nights. It got me to recognize what I was capable of. I mucked up the courage to do it and it didn't turn out bad. =D And can I say "wow" -- And that's all I have to say. The rest is stored up in my heart.

( I indeed have SO much to offer...I just need to recognize that myself) =D

Answers

2007-01-25T03:59:00.000-08:00

It's late and I'm still sitting here, sad. I heard something today and I realized it might be true. The statement is "we sign up for the pain we receive" -- I've been thinking about that all night and I realized that this heartache I have (aside from what I said in my last post) was semi self inflicted. I knew that you had trouble committing and that you're heart is occupied right now, but I still went for it anyways. I had (have) faith in you, in me, and in us. I read the look on your face when we met and realized that you were in it from the beginning. Was I wrong? Did I misinterpret?

There are so many reasons, explanations running through my head right now. First, did I misinterpret? Did I mess this up? Did I do this and that... but I know I'll never get an answer. And maybe you don't have one either. Maybe it's bad timing, maybe there are tooo many circumstances fighting against us that it was doomed from the moment we met. But I can't help have that "regret" feeling inside of me. What reason should I tell myself so that I can sleep better? feel better?

We did connect and we understood each other. What happened since Saturday? What happened? I really don't understand your reaction -- I really don't...It was those moments that are making me feel this "what could have been" feeling...

Is this really the end?? No more?

I guess that's it...

2007-01-24T22:05:00.001-08:00

I guess that's that...

I just wish it didn't end like that because it just hurts me. I don't why it had to be so immature like that and why couldn't we end it with some class?

One thing I really don't get -- why start anything at all if you're not ready? Why all that trouble and have an outcome like this. I hate it when people are not emotionally stable, I mean I don't mind helping you overcome all this. I will be there for you through thick and thin, but all I need is for you to have that confidence in us, that we can work it out. I won't leave you, I won't shun away -- you just have to trust me on that.

Now... it's not possible at all. You didn't have enough courage to see this all through and now we'll both never know. It hurts so much to see this relationship die, knowing that it had so much potential...

I wanna know..

2007-01-22T23:19:00.000-08:00

I've always been good at reading body language. I could have swore that I didn't get this one wrong, but apparently I am cause I'm left here, hanging and wondering. I hate not having some kind of assurance when it comes to people. I know people are flakes and that more and more people have problems with commitment. I'm not saying it's a bad thing because I am a flake at times (although I try not to be). But I really just want a sign, that this is serious and that I'm not alone and that you feel the same way I do. What was that other night all about? Am I just part of your curiosity? Because if I am just a part of your curiosity, then that's just plain cruel. All I do right now is I think about your smile and the way you had held me. What am I suppose to do with that now? Store it away and never think about you again? =.(

hardest thing

2007-01-22T14:32:00.000-08:00

The hardest part is to wait and then realize that the obstacle is alot harder than I had anticipated. I'm almost at the verge of giving up. Maybe like all my friends say, I should let it go. I should pursue it anymore. But a part of me knows that I want this bad enough to suffer all the problems the future has for me. I've been waiting for signs all this time - either to tell me to give up or to continue. I truly believe in signs -- like the little things life tells me. I want to believe that there is such a thing and that people often needs these signs to gain some direction.

Still sucking it up....I don't know how long I can keep this up...

i hope

2007-01-19T14:52:00.000-08:00

I totally read my horoscope everyday...this is what mine said today.

Lighthearted conversations with an acquaintance today can give rise to a misunderstanding, so pay careful attention to everything that is said, both by you and others. If you can keep your thoughts straight, this can be an important day for you to share your ideas. However, if your thoughts are muddled, business transactions can get all messed up. Say exactly what you mean, and nothing more.

hmmmm

Much better now...

2007-01-16T13:21:00.000-08:00

I do feel SOO much better now. I think it's that adrenaline rush, or should I say that it's not a rush but that feeling I get when I like someone -- is hard to keep it under control. When I like someone, it's as if that adrenaline rush stays for a long time, it stays so long that sometimes I'm not sure what to do with this excess emotion. But now I know, running it off definitely helps. I'll probably have to start going to the gym twice a day just to keep my sanity. Or until things are better in my situation.

Running it off....

2007-01-16T11:35:00.000-08:00

*whew* I'm just feeling to unsure about alot of things these days. I think I'm going to go to the gym to run off this feeling. I'm at that point where I'm about to just go insane. =p. Running is good for times like these...

ps..hmm I also wonder if anyone reads this blog of mine. If so, leave me a comment...hehe

I guess we all feel it from time to time...

2007-01-14T20:58:00.000-08:00

I don't feel nervous anymore (whew) -- I think I was about to go insane. I didn't sleep well last night at all because of it too!! Like what Melody told me today, I'm totally "pitter patter" right now. I sure haven't felt this rush in a long while. Not to say I'm still nervous about 11:30pm tonight. x.x

I think everyone goes through this rush though. It's always this intense when it comes to someone you like -- it can't possibly be helped so I guess I have to just take in the experience and not to worry so much. I don't know when I became such a worrier... I need to stop it.. haha!

man o man...

2007-01-14T11:45:00.000-08:00

Oh man :D Things have been veryy interesting!! All I have to say is that I am totally head over heels right now. I'm not sure what to do with myself...Haha.

I'm sick...

2007-01-08T18:34:00.000-08:00

i can't believe I got sick =( The weather is just too insane. What was with all the cold and wind? And today it became 80 plus degrees? My body is just not handling it all too well. And maybe going out and not sleeping is not helping at all. I really need to stay indoors for the next couple of days. It's times like these that I wish I had someone to take care of me...

On a side note, I've found a good group of artist that I love. I'm into like electronica music these days... odd yeah? But they're good. Hehe. A group I recommend is called Hellogoodbye. Look into it if you guys like that type of music!

Well I'm going to do some application stuff and. I get some rest today... Will talk to you guys all laters!

Well, you are the one, the one that lies close to me
Whisper's "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms

I like where you sleep,
When you sleep, next to me.
I like where you sleep... here

Our lips, can touch
And our cheeks, can brush
Our lips can touch here

2007

2007-01-04T21:43:00.000-08:00

The first post of the new year... how exciting.

First, I hope everyone had a great new year. I didn't do much of a celebration but with some of my friends and my mom. It was definitely a good start to a new year. Many people post their new years resolutions as their first post, I guess I will do something similar to that. New Year Resolutions are always so hard to write because it has gotta be pratical AND I'm really bad at keeping things practical =p

I know there is one thing that I will definitely try really hard this year ... and I guess this will be my first resolution and that is -- I have to run at least eight to ten miles a week. And by the end of the year, lose some weight... hehe.

There are other resolutions that I have thought of... but they are more personal ones so I'm not going to publically talk about them here. But they are definitely ones that will be good for me. So I gotta do it -- no more excuses anymore.

This year I definitely wanna find someone too. Although I've been doing being single but having someone is definitely different ... =D

On another note, away from new year resolutions ... There's definitely something different about the city of LA. I'm more in love with the city than I ever was. Maybe it's the vibe the city gives me or the uniqueness of the city. It allows me to be who I want to be. And that is definitely something hard to do --- especially these days.

Well I gotta go out now...but I will post more later!

Merry x'mas!

2006-12-26T03:54:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays everyone!

It has definitely been almost 2 weeks since i wrote anything in here. The trip back home has been sufficient and it definitely gave me some time to think about things. I feel like my life has been tossed upside down. The things that use to make sense to me or the people that use to comfort me has loss its affect. I'm just a bit confused...

But amidst the confusion, the simplicity of the people around me and the genuine heart of the people around me still touches me. I guess there's not going to be a real answer because there are TOOO many questions and it's an endless search. The only thing that will keep me sane is probably the simplicity that still moves me.

Anyways... I'm still me -- just with more things I need to figure out.

Let's all steal a perfect moment!!!

2006-12-13T01:26:00.000-08:00

I had a really good day yesterday. I got to relax and basically just spend it with good company. I haven't had a feeling like that for a longggggggg time. I mean I go out, but never that intimate company of another human being. I really and truly enjoyed it. It was so good for me to have it happen.

I do think that intimate contact from people is so essential. I felt myself almost going crazy without it.

Updates, well I won't be going home till Friday. I'm going to hang around and probably hit up LA with my sister and her friends. It should definitely be an interesting exprience!

Well I'm off to bed...
G'night!

Life is beautiful
We live until we die

When you run into my arms,
We steal a perfect moment.
Let the monsters see you smile,
Let them see you smilling.

Do I hold you too tightly?
When will the hurt kick in?

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.
We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.

Yeah, life is beautiful.
Our hearts, they beat and break.

Feeling some doubt

2006-12-11T11:39:00.000-08:00

To me, the inkling of doubt allows me to really consider what I want. If I even feel a little unsure about what I want, then it means that I am not serious enough about it. I really need some time to think about what it is I want and am willing to commit. I'm not even sure how I feel about it myself. I don't want to do it just because I think I should not because I want.

I really need some time...

Christmas is almost here...

2006-12-10T23:51:00.000-08:00

I'm really into the holiday mood now. I'm not sure why it hit so late this year but I'm glad I finally feel it. This time of the year is truly special. I love how people are so united and people actually use this time to catch up with each other. hehe. I wanted to find a background with snow or something, but blogs don't use that. I'm sad.. haha. oh Wellz. At least I made my desktop very holiday... !!

I'm heading off to disneyland tomorrow. To tell you the truth, I'm actually kind of excited. I haven't been there in for two years now. Plus it's the holiday theme right now. It's THE PERFECT time to go. I'll definitely take some pictures and post them here.

So I'll be home in a couple of days. I'm not sure whether to stay here till Saturday or leave Thursday. If I stay till Saturday, I'll probably hit up a club in LA with my friends. Not sure yet... hehe I'm definitely excited to go home tho, it's the best time to be home in norcal. The weather, the holiday decorations in my neighborhood and all the other good stuff that comes with it. =D

Bday celebration number 3!

2006-12-08T14:57:00.001-08:00

What a great night! Thanks to all those that came out!!

on this day...

2006-12-06T17:09:00.000-08:00

So another year has gone by ... and I'm another year older! hehe But again thanks for all the facebook, myspace, text messages, aims, and phone calls. You guys are sweethearts.

So everyday (or almost everyday) my life is routined. I wake up, work out, study at starbucks, cook dinner, go online, and go to sleep. That's really what my day to day consists of. Hehe. It's pretty easy and leaves me in a very content mood. I know this lifestyle is not going to last long at all. What I enjoy everyday is the peppermint mocha I order. Haha, sounds pretty mundane but I love it. There's this girl that makes it perfect at the starbucks on MacArthur. She makes it with sprinkles!! Not many people do that so that makes me happy. Life is good. And it makes the times that I do go out (a night out) an awesome experince. I study hard and I play hard. =D

A question occured to me today though. I'm not sure if I am mad or I just don't care (maybe I'm leaning towards the later) -- but I think people who are too caught up in themselves need to just mellow out. There's so much going on in the world to just think about yourself. I'm just not in the mood to be caught up in the drama. Anyways, with that said ...

There's a sale at AE today. I'll probably go a little later.. hehe I'm excited.

My bruise in my nail is getting better, but I really think my nail is falling off. haha *ouch*

Again, another dec 6 =D hehe yay!

What is there left to say?

2006-12-05T01:30:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what it is I'm suppose to do now...

First to start off my post, I had a GREAT birthday. Thanks to those that made it out to by shindig. I was absolutely touched and I adore each and every single one of you. I just realized that this will be the last birthday that I'll be able to celebrate with these people. So many of us are going our different ways... one of you guys is moving to new york and who knows what'll happen in another 365 days from now. But all in all, thanks for everything. I'll always hope for another birthday like that one ;)

Things have been interesting on my behalf... I'm not so into all the drama of life now. I think it's useless and a waste of time, it's time that I need to put into other aspects of my life. I know it's hard to change people so I'm changing myself. Goodbye Drama!!!

Ever since I've come to understand somethings about life ... I've always seem to question myself with the question "Why is it that people grow apart" AND "Why is it that sometimes people may not compatible at first but then slowly grow fond of each other and vice versa?" -- I'm not sure the exact answer to this question but I know one factor is that people grow up, I grow up. The things I want and need will change constantly and others as well.

I feel like the past couple of months my eyesight have been blurred AND that I was off in this fantasy land. I made people out into these great people. But it was only in my mind. People are never as nice as I make them out to be. I knew deep down that they will hurt me but why is it that I still kept them so close to me?

Home in one week~~

"Say Goodbye"

2006-11-26T02:21:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure why I do the random things I do. So I apologize for being random. Sometimes it's hard to control what it is I feel. I mean logic tells me to be careful and to not do anything that'll hurt anybody. But sometimes emotions take over and I end up doing things I really "Want" but may not be what I "should" do. It's so hard to the right thing without doing the wrong thing at times.

My heart sometimes break because of this. I just can't help myself .. I hope you can understand. There's really never a right time to do something that I never want to do.

Thanksgiving 2006

2006-11-25T22:27:00.000-08:00

A good friend is so hard to define sometimes. I'm not quite sure what actions are considered to be a good friend. Are there only moments of friendship and it's probably not something to progresses over time. I want to be able to consider someone a good friend and not be judging them left and right. People have bad days and friends have bad days. I should be able to understand that right?

Anyways this thanksgiving was great. I was able to mark my first thanksgiving with a good friend and also celebrate another thanksgiving with another. I was so blessed. My mom cooked a real awesome dinner and my pumpkin pie was awesome. I had a good old time and I was able to just relax myself. It was a good thanksgivng! I marked it down ... =D

some thoughts... a bit on the reality side of it all.

2006-07-09T02:37:00.000-07:00

I can't believe two weeks flew by so quickly. I can still remember the first day being home and remembering how much I missed the people in Riverside. I still miss them and am SO excited to see them again, but at the same time I feel guilty. While this time being home was relaxing, it also made me realize how much I have to grow up and the many things that are to come my way. There's just so much that I have to do (respondsiblities so to speak). I know that there will always be the young, kid-like me. That'll always exist, no doubt. But I can also slowly feel that peeling away. I don't mind growing up, I actually look forward to it. I'm just worried about growing into the type of person I expect myself to be. At times, I look around and I realize all the wonderful things I possess and I can't help but feel that I have done no work to deserve all this. Am I the person that will appreciate and repay all the goodness I have? I hope I can learn to appreciate the things and the love that I was given and to pay it all back, somehow ...

The expectations I have for myself, hopefully will be something that'll motivate me and help me stay on track. I feel that these two weeks have motivated me to become a better person - not just being a "nice" person, but rather be a better person overall - one with a sense of obligation, respondsiblity, upright, and so forth. I know it may sound really cheesy and I know some people may laugh at the goals I set for myself. I don't mind... Because I know deep down, if I don't learn or develop what I need to right here and now, I may never obatin these characteristics.

To be molded, to be tested, to be trained -- I'm looking forward to it.

Another thing on my mind ...
Recently I've been pondering about the words I speak. I've never been questioned much about whether I mean the words I speak. Maybe many people think about the truth of the words I speak, they just don't question me about it, or at least not to my face. Sometimes, I can't seem to control the words I speak. I tend to sweeten and add alot of flavor to the words that come out of my mouth. It doesn't mean that I don't mean the words I say! (I DO) ... It's just that by adding the flavors, I intensify and amplify it. I may not exactly feel the intensity but I may speak it. Does that equal vanity of words as well? Sometimes I don't think I grasp the balance of the words I speak and the emotions I feel in my heart well.

Usually after a long day, I then question myself about the sincerity and honesty of the words I speak.

It's so complicated. I want to be less complicated -- simple.

My decision after much thought is that, I'm going to only speak when I truly mean it. It's going to take alot of effort because as most of my friends know, I exaggerate alot. It's gonna take some self-control and some more thought process.

It's weird, I never realized that it would be something I want to change about myself. I use to like this about myself -- but I guess learning to tame the tongue is also part of growing up.

emo!

2006-07-02T23:13:00.000-07:00

No matter just how much I think I've erased that part of me, it still lingers. And it is because of the denial of the idea, the time that I do think of these memories, it hurts much worse. It's amplified! So why do I run in the first place, why do I ignore it, or persuade myself that I am okay if not perfect?

It's hard to get through this rough patch at times. It almost felt as if someone knocked the wind out of me. I almost couldn't breathe.

The idea of you is not as appealing to me anymore, but it still hurts.

ah, finally...

2006-06-27T21:36:00.000-07:00

I guess things are finally at peace.

Home has been great. I've got my well anticipated rest, yummy home cooked meals, clean and fresh clothes, not to mention a haircut. I feel more like human now. Nothing beats the comfort of home huh?!

Recently I've learn somethings, not pertatining to myself but rather about situations. Sometimes as bystanders to people in my life, I can't really do much but to just let things happen. No matter how much the situation calls for help or for some forwarning -- there's nothing I can absolutely do. Some people may hate me for wanting to help, so I say forget them. If they don't want help, it is their loss. And if they want to experince the consequences alone, I say let them be. They pretty much deserve it.

What annoys me the most is when all is said and done, the mess somehow still winds up in your court or those closest. I feel bad for whoever is suffering the consequences right now and I guess I am the lucky one in this situation because I escaped earlier on in the game.

Tonight Superman Returns. hehehe

So very excited.....

graduation

2006-06-19T00:36:00.001-07:00

Graduation come and gone. I didn't realize that it would be over just like that. It's almost as if it never happened. But it did and this feeling that I have is too surreal. Am i really done, did people really come and celebrate this amazing day with me?

I want to say that I love my parents. If it weren't for them, I know I wouldn't have finished with my head high up in the air. And if it weren't for them, I would have gone insane by now.. thanks mom and dad, for all the loving support you have provided me. I love you guys with all my heart.

I want to say thanks to those that came to see me at graduation and to crossing this one stepping stone with me. Thanks for the cheers, the warm wishes, the hugs, the smiles, the pretty flowers and leis -- it was all too much for me to comprehend. I love you guys and again, it is true. Without the support from some of you, I doubt I'll have finished college. You guys have touched my heart in so many ways - I truly and utterly heart you guys.

So whats' to come? well for this week, it's gonna be nonstop fun. Then I guess the real world and all the other probelms and stress I'll have to deal with? Wow, it just doesn't stop does it?!

"here's to the night" by eve 6
DON'T LET ME LET YOU GO..........

No regrets guys.
Do things you've always wanted to do
Embrace love
Conquer sadness
and cherish all the old and new memories to come!

*pictures to come

graduation

2006-06-19T00:36:00.000-07:00

goodbye college.

2006-06-15T11:11:00.000-07:00

So guess what?!

I am done with undergrad. Fuck Yeah, excuse my language but at moments like this, I find using some profanity will express my emotions best. It was a bad 24 hours but I am glad I pulled through, regardless of the mini-break down I had last night. I guess it teaches me alot and just exaclty how the world works. It's odd because as my last project as an undergrad; the project taught me of what is to come. I guess I shouldn't look at it so negatively. Things always happen for a reason so I should embrace it.

I'm glad that some things made me smile this morning. I know I was talking alot about self doubt and self worth. But this morning some things allowed me to see things from a different light. A friend, a smile, and my own thoughts was all I needed to feel sane again.

So my plans for now? Well in the next week or so, it's gonna be FUN and only FUN. I'll let reality into my life when the times comes but as for now, I'm just happy and excited. This feeling I have is GREAT!

I'm about to go knock out -- I am so sleep deprived...

not in a good mood

2006-06-15T03:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I really hate how stupid I am. And even worse, I hate how passive I am. I can never mount up the courage to ask for the things I want nor can I be my own self. It's as if I put myself in invisible mode.

It's almost as if I doubt my own self worth.

And it's usually when my day goes wrong that there is always something else to make it worse.

Sheesh...

things to come....

2006-06-12T22:26:00.000-07:00

I'm done with my official finals as of today. It was pretty painful cause I studied alot and since both were on the same day, I didn't sleep. But I'm glad I'm done. Now I just hope I did well. We'll see about that... I had a good study partner too, a new friend so to speak. So that's pretty awesome. It sucks though cbeause it's finals week (couple days before graduation) and I met her. Sheesh, the timing is so off. But still glad about it.

So I have one more group project and a take home final to finish. I think I'll be okay. I just hope my group will follow through. *nervous* AND I am definitely getting sick because I feel it in my throat. It hurts when I swallow and I need to take meds to feel like myself.

I'm in the library right now and I hate to be emo but I am feeling it right now. I'm going to miss times like these, chilling with great company and studying hard. And even thought the library can be confined and filled with ppl who are stressed, but there's just something about it that I just can't point out. It's almost blissful, I know that sounds nerdy, but I think that is it.

Graduation and the goodbyes is so much to handle. I feel it and I'm already dreading it. I deter myself away form thinking about it or else I will feel tears well up. What am I to do?

Job searching is not moving along.. I've applied for a couple and I'm still waiting. Waiting is no fun, it's actually scary. I'm not sure what to expect and what if I don't get a response? The unexpected is just terrifying.

Things to look forward to:
- Finals being done
- Clubbing friday night
- Graduation of my friends on Sat.
- My own graduation
- Banquet
- Home
- New apt
so many things.. WOW

at night out...

2006-06-11T00:59:00.000-07:00

It's june and 7 more days till graduation. Although it's finals week, I'm taking the stress okay. I think the company I have when I study and the fact it's my last "last" set of finals that makes everything okay... if that makes any sense at all.Anyways, aside from being locked in the library for hours and hours, dinner at BJ's for Adam's 22nd was real fun last night. Here are some pictures.

an extension of some thoughts

2006-05-29T18:34:00.000-07:00

There's no running away, running away is for cowards
Always sum up to your weakness because it will only make you stronger

I do not deny that I'm good at defending myself. I may not be a girl of many words but I am definitely a girl of many thoughts. The times when I am by myself, I think and contemplate on my own problems. At times I talk them out with others but mostly I think to myself. I know some people may find my bluntness annoying and somewhat distrubing. But I rather be a girl that is able to express her thoughts one way or another than to be a girl that just sits there and takes the nonesense the worlds throws at her.

I know that sometimes for shy people they may not understand this side of mine. Because for shy people, it's easier to not say anything and they may never want to speak up. I respect that and I can undertand, but do not expect me to be like you BECAUSE I am not.

On a lighter note (sorry to my readers for the few heavy posts) -- It's a monday and it's a day off. I finally got to watch Munich. That movie has got to be one of the best movies that explains the Israeli and Palestinian problems in layman terms. So if you're interested in the issues of the middle east, give it a shot. My next movie to watch is Paradise Now. I heard that one is more intesnse than Munich. I still want to watch United 93, anyone interested?

On my emotional department (not specially my love life or anything) -- I've grown very fond of the concept to appreciate people by the second, by the minute, by the day, by the month, and by the year. I truly like the times that I am intimate with those I love because I get to truly know them for them and not just superficially or loosely. I am very choosey when it comes to who I grow intimate with. Those who I am intimate with know who you are and I want to thank you for allowing me to open up because these days I'm like this turtle that hides in my shell even when I am around alot of people.

current status.

2006-05-27T02:40:00.000-07:00

So many things going on in my mind. I have so much stuff to sort out. But I am loved and I feel it and I am happy.

On another note, 3 more weeks till graduation. I'm excited at just about everything that is to happen in the next three weeks. Anyone else feel the hype? I know I do.

I am so satisfied right now.

all UC

2006-05-20T06:45:00.000-07:00

All UC was a blast. At first I was not excited to go at all becasue the ride there was just a little too much than I had willing to go. But I still went because of peer pressure. Haha. We left Riverside around 6pm and got there around 7pm. I'm glad I went because I got to have the best boba ever! Thanks to a little place called Cerritos. ^_^ All UC was awesome because the groups there were over practiced and on their way to professionalism. The real fun started after the program. We all went bar hoping and it was the first time I went to an Irish pub. It was unique but I totally felt out of place. I was going to do a Irish Carbomb there -- but yeah didn't feel like being bloated after my first drink. So I drank my "bitch" drinks like white russian, redbull vodka, amaretto sour, and some of my sis's jack and coke. I was not tipsy until the walking around the pier of long beach (which was gorgeous by the way!). The clubbing and dancing was pretty off the hook too. Old school music was playing left and right -- so that was exciting I thought. I guess if I wasn't so hung over or tired, I'd post some pictures right now. But I will do that after I come back from olivecrest. Hehe. Wow, less than three hours of sleep and I am functioning orite.

first post with some heavy thoughts.

2006-05-18T13:27:00.000-07:00

First entry, first thought.

It's my new move to a new blog. Xanga is just getting old. I don't even feel like blogging there anymore. I guess I'm on the brink of finding a new me that I find going back to my "old" -- just doesn't do justice anymore.

Graduation is literally a month away. I'm scared and excited more than ever. Job searching and future planning is hard and I'm stressed. But maybe I'm not the only one feeling this way - I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Some things have been seriously bothering me. I just don't even know where to start. Sometimes I think people do not realize their place and sometimes (myself included) dream for things that are unattainable. I know how that goes. It usually is a mixture of heartache and sadness. And it's the one of the many times in my life that I swear to myself never to do that again. I mean, live and learn right? But I swear, some people need to realize the truth and accept it. Any justification for your actions and or speech is pointless. It's obvious it's not how it's suppose to be and sometimes what you want and what you get are two VERY SEPEARTE things. I hate it when these people do not listen nor think of the possible drastic consequences that are to come if actions are put into effect. I don't understand why people do not think about the well beings of others?

I like what my friend said to me earlier. "Realize and accept" -- it's not at all telling you to give up or to not try -- it's the opposite. It's saying for you to think about things realistically and not to day dream. Thinking about things realistically will only help and day dreaming never works when put into reality. Dream all you want, but what is and will be will always be. So know you're own person and accept who you are and then go from there.

I think sometimes people act foolishly because they do not understand themselves. How sad.